Changes

So, we've just spent all morning waiting for the system to come back online. That's basically three hours of doing something other than look at the computer. Of course, when this occurs, everything in this office is put on hold. The reason why the system crashes, especially at the end of the month, is because everyone, and I mean everyone, is scrambling around like chickens with their head cut off, trying to make the quota in closed cases. Granted, it's been a good while since a crash last occured. Nonetheless, it's annoying not being able to clean off my desk since yesterday afternoon, at around 4:45pm, when the system crashed.

In other news, there is a new type of awareness in my mind. I feel myself changing in more ways than one. The way I think, feel, see things. No, I'm not going insane. In fact, during this very difficult financial time we're going through, I've never felt so sure that things will end up being okay. Even amidst this constant depression that I sometimes feel, I know, in the back of my mind and deep in my gut, that all will be well.
Until then, the present time is a struggle. I struggle to get up on time and come in to work. I struggle with the thoughts in my head and the reality of being in debt. I owe rent, I owe utilities, and there doesn't seem to be a way to get out of that debt. I earn only so much, especially since I am now on a reduced work schedule and the season's changing. I find that my pay doesn't last a week and every two weeks I earn less than five hundred take home. With that I have to support three people. Lately, I've been helping my husband with transportation costs so that he can find work, steady work. I walk to work now since I cannot afford to purchase another monthly metrocard. The one I do purchase goes to my daughter so that she can attend college. I provide the tobacco that my husband and I smoke and other household necessities like toilet paper and bath soap.
Just recently ConEd decided to up the utilities without explanation and have now removed me from the LevelPlan and are asking for more money. I can only pay so much every two weeks. I'm three months overdue on my rent, due to medical reasons, and the only income coming in is mine. I want to scream, and bite, and kick, and bitch about it, but I find myself holding back on those things because of the amount of patience I've convinced myself I should have at this time. I cry sometimes, when there is no one around or when I'm alone and my daughter is sleeping. I'm somewhat frustrated because I can't do anything more than what I am already doing and I don't know what else to do. Because the season is changing, my daughter bought me a pair of sturdy boots for the upcoming weather. On October 29th, Saturday, it snowed. We've barely got into the Fall weather and Winter is already announcing itself. Temperatures are falling, lots of rain and wind....this is no time to be homeless. Yet there is nothing I can do about it. This feeling of helplessness in this particular situation is what is affecting me the most.
I tend to turn against myself when I begin to be affected by the situation around me. I start to think that this is it. I'm really sick of being in this type of situation. Why is it that the harder I try the harder I fail? I just want to live a comfortable and tranquil life. I believe I've earned it. But getting to that point has proved torturous. I feel like I'm fighting my way out of hell just to get to heaven and neither the Devil or God is helping the situation or me. And when I start to think about these two idiots standing there watching my struggles, I get begin to get angry. I begin to think things like, if God exists, then so does the Devil, and if they both exist, what the fuck are they doing standing there? I start to imagine that the Devil is waiting to see if I do myself in somehow, someway, that is ungodly and unethical, and that God is waiting to see if I am able to make it to heaven. I think that those two idiots are just that....fucking idiots!!!
So, I do my best not to think of those two idiots who stand idly by and I focus on the end result. Incredibly, I can see myself in California. I can see my daughter in California. I can see myself and my daughter in California. But I'm having a hard time seeing my husband there with us. He doesn't seem to be taking this seriously and talks more than he does. But I don't complain. Before the idea to move to California came up, I had decided that I was going to go to California, with or without my family. I had not told anyone about my secret plans. But now my daughter wants to go. And my husband claims that he wants to go, too.
So, while I'm planning the trip, and finding out ways to get there, my daughter has begun to take action and get her driver's license. And just yesterday, my husband got another job (making it two). I'm still looking for work, extra work. While we are excited about making this trip, I still worry about what is happening now. At this point, I'm desperate and am about to prepare to be evicted. I haven't gone to court yet (because I haven't received notice yet), but it's on it's way, for sure.
I'm also a little upset because there was a business deal my husband got into that would have promised a good deal of money to cover the rent and then some. But, like everything else he talks about, the conversation died out and he hasn't brought it up again.
This blog is almost semi-sweet. I've been able to seek just a little relief in writing this, yet the feelings are in the surface, threatening to go over the rim, at the point of bubbling over. On occasion I snap and realize that I've just snap and quickly get a hold on myself. It is not an easy task doing all this self-control. But, in writing this, I realize that no one is going to read this, no one is going to care, and that there really is no one available to help me in my time of need. I don't know how I'm supposed to take this.
I don't know if these experiences are supposed to harden my heart and make me swallow my tears or if they're supposed to break me in some way. It has already affected my faith, especially when it comes to those two babbling idiots I mentioned above. Simplistic (and sadistic) voyeurs. They enjoy watching. I cannot bring myself to pray to a god that simply just let's you struggle or a devil that simply doesn't give a fuck. I guess they're both one and the same. What do I know? What does anyone know? The point is it's up to me, it's all up to me.
And at this point all I can do is the best that I can do, without making any promises. To anyone, including myself.